Losing My Self to Find Myself


Lately I’ve been trying to find myself but it’s so hard to let go! The person I used to be no longer seems to fit the trajectory where my life has ended up! I don’t understand what parts to hold onto and what to do away with. And so I tentatively put one foot in front of the other, like a person grasping for a light switch in a darkened room. Things that used to suit me well no longer quite seem to fit. My portraits are beginning to feel constrictive and I’m not sure where to go from here. Spiritual practices that used to define me are falling to the wayside and I find myself reaching down to my roots. Sending them deep into the frozen ground of Winter I feel grounded as I try to figure out what is next in my life.

I’ve gotten back into quilting, and have already sold a couple of quilts! It has been really refreshing to get back to the sewing machine. I’ve been finishing up old projects and designing new quilts too. It has been a fun shift and something that is taking a lot of focus to bring together.

I’ve also been studying Christianity, which is a challenge. I’ve learned so much over the years and I find a lot of Christian teachings to be a bit outdated and backwards. Throughout all of my spiritual practices over the years I have kept a prayer connection to God. The thing is I cannot unlearn what I’ve learned, I cannot suddenly choose to be close minded when my mind has already been opened. Much like Eve and the Apple in the Garden of Eden, knowledge from life and Buddhism and all my spiritual study cannot be thrown away. So I tentatively learn and continue to calibrate my beliefs to become a more grounded loving human being. I also want to learn about nature religions because I feel closest to God when I am in the outdoors. And my chakras could use some tuning up…

I keep thinking I’m going to do some grand sweeping changes on the website. I toyed with deleting the blog, but it felt like my voice became silent. So the blog is back! I also deleted my Twitter account, because I was sick of that platform and the way it just feels so impersonal. If you want to connect with me, try Facebook or Instagram. Those are the places I check regularly and if you follow me I will definitely follow back!

Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to let go of pieces of yourself that no longer serve. To open to the new and now, it takes a sort of stripping away of who you used to be to fully inhabit who you are becoming. And that’s what I’m doing this winter, allowing the past to drift away as I step courageously into the present moment.

Kathryn Sturges