Lately I’m having a hard time processing what I see online. My eyes get watery, and I have to close my laptop lid. To see what is really happening in your life, sometimes it takes a culling out and a letting go. Letting go of constructs and ideals that have carried me for years, I have been slowly getting back to what matters most of all.
I’ve begun reading “Get Your Life Back” by John Eldredge, and the book looks exactly like the message I need right now. Mostly because I had been spending too much time focused on goals. And not enough time connecting with the soul of my life. My house has been a mess, with parts looking a step away from a hoarder’s den. I keep dreaming about having a successful business, but my creative pace has slowed WAY down now that I am sick. I might have over a thousand paintings, but most of them have been practice. And most of them are way too close to my heart to offer in any shop. My husband needs me present, because my mind and my spirit have been going north and south for far too long. I lost my way over the last few years and I’m finally getting more grounded in reality and putting both feet in the here and now.
The book talks about how horses are constantly scanning for the next predator, and I’ve become the same way. Waiting for the other shoe to drop has been my way of life for the last six or seven years now! When do I get to just relax and know peace in my heart? You might say it is just a decision, but it is more than that. When you live in the hood like I do, even just standing outside can make you fearful of the cars driving by your block. Or the next homeless man screaming at the top of his lungs, pushing his cart while he walks by….slows and stands right in front of my house. I’m trying to know safety. I’m trying to trust God and know deep down that God has my back!
I’ve been closing my computer and processing my life. Finding my way back to me.